When my step-dad started his 12-step program toward recovery, he began to substitute alcohol and other abused substances with religion. Unfortunately for me that meant I was expected to attend church, bible study, as well as sing in the church choir.
I saw a change in my step-dad. He started to become 'holier than thou' once he 'found God.' Like it had somehow become his mission to turn others onto Him because look how He's helped him maintain sobriety. Well, his sobriety never lasted very long, but the judgmental attitude certainly remained. Why couldn't he just be happy with God? It's obvious, he was bitter because he wanted to drink. And God couldn't take that away. But he'd never admit to it because that would mean having to face reality - that he was weak in the face of addiction. And putting his faith in a fictitious character gave him someone or something else to blame.
Just as children find out the truth about Santa, I came to the realization that God too is make-believe. But since I didn't know who to safely 'come out' to, I kept my non-belief to myself. The more I learned at school and working in the science field, and more impressionably, the more I learned from observing people, the more I felt confident in my belief that there isn't anyone above the clouds, watching our every move. And there was no life after death in heaven or hell. This realization taught me to appreciate life, to value myself and the people on earth. Everyone is trying to figure it all out. Amazingly the animals have it all figured out and they don't pray - those heathens! If someone needs religion to help them make sense of things that's great.
I can see how people might experience health benefits from prayer just like I can understand the health benefits of meditation or journaling. But when my step-dad 'left it up to God' was he just pawning his responsibilities on to someone or something else? Or was he temporarily, or perhaps permanently, disowning his problems, without ever having to truly face and correct them?
I don't need God to be good. If you do, that's okay. I can live a moral and ethical life without the fear of eternal damnation. I am an atheist and no longer afraid to write the words. And I'm working towards speaking the words also. If you suffer from pain, and are tired of all the forums that chat about God and prayer, I would be honored if this was your place to come to. I used to think if I didn't pray for strength that the strength wouldn't come. Well, I stopped praying to God a long time ago and I grow stronger every day. When others speak of praying for me, I kindly thank them. I see it as an equivalent of someone wishing me well, or saying that I'm in their thoughts.
13 comments:
I can relate to much of what you've said. From how people can change in 12 step programs to the almost overwhelming presence of Christianity in chronic illness related groups. I've left groups because I felt uncomfortable with how spirituality was handled.
I do thank people when they say they will pray for me. I may not have the same beliefs but I appreciate the effort as long as I'm not forced to do it with them.
Lisa, thank you for commenting. I'm sorry you can relate, although I'm always relieved to know I'm not alone.
Perhaps that's what religion gives so many people - a place to find acceptance. It just turns ugly when it becomes my God is the one true God, which sounds more like, 'my Daddy can beat up your Daddy.' If theists could just be content with themselves and stop dictating what everyone else is supposed to do, or who they're supposed to do...enough already.
Thanks again for stopping by. I'm checking out your blog now :)
Jasmine: Thanks for speaking for your own beliefs. I always find other viewpoints and ways of handling life very interesting.
I don't ever have a problem because someone has a belief system that differs from my own. I am just joyous that the world is a varied place and totally unpredictable!
For myself, religion is my refuge from logic - the one place my mind can go and just be, in peace.
Hoping you have similar mechanisms such as meditation that bring you to the same restful mindplace!
At least you can admit religion is a refuge from logic :)
How I find peace: meditation, daydreaming, Ayurvedic massage, physical therapy, observing nature, love-making, relaxing after workouts, watching clouds change shapes, worshiping a little sun...
Jasmine,
Your last sentence covered a lot of territory for me b/c I can relate to it so much:
"When others speak of praying for me, I kindly thank them. I see it as an equivalent of someone wishing me well, or saying that I'm in their thoughts".
This is how I choose to process it too. For many years I bent over backwards not you use the word "prayer" because it seemed too "loaded" to me. What I mean is that it seemed synonymous w/organized religion... & so I never said things like "I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers" b/c I never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable (or leave anyone feeling that I was making the huge assumption that they were even into the idea of praying).
I used to just say "I'll keep you in my thoughts" & leave it at that. Over the years, I have loosened up a little (depending on the context) and I sometimes say "thoughts & prayers" versus just saying "thoughts". I basically have re-evaluated my definition of prayer after reading all of those studies about prayer & healing and seeing studies that basically "count" meditation as "prayer" (when I meditate and there is nothing at all religious about it). Me sending "thoughts" or "thoughts & prayers" could be the same on my end. However, it could be received differently on the other end... depending on who I'm talking to. If I am talking to someone who I know is religious, finds comfort/support in the notion of people keeping them in their prayers, or if it's someone who is coming out & asking for prayers (among other possibilities), I'll generally saying something like, "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers".
For everyone else, I go with my gut. I have come to the conclusion (& I may be very wrong) that most people who aren't into a particular organized religion... (including people who are atheists), are generally not offended by this phrasing: "I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers".
Just like you mentioned in that last sentence, it can mean well wishes/keeping someone in your thoughts. I struggled w/even uttering the words "prayers" when I first started using it because I am so sensitive to the fact that everyone has his/her own beliefs.
I detest any holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, or hypocritical words or behaviors. I have zero tolerance for it.
TO BE CONT’D (not enough character space)...
Jasmine,
Your last sentence covered a lot of territory for me b/c I can relate to it so much:
"When others speak of praying for me, I kindly thank them. I see it as an equivalent of someone wishing me well, or saying that I'm in their thoughts".
This is how I choose to process it too. For many years I bent over backwards not you use the word "prayer" because it seemed too "loaded" to me. What I mean is that it seemed synonymous w/organized religion... & so I never said things like "I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers" b/c I never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable (or leave anyone feeling that I was making the huge assumption that they were even into the idea of praying).
I used to just say "I'll keep you in my thoughts" & leave it at that. Over the years, I have loosened up a little (depending on the context) and I sometimes say "thoughts & prayers" versus just saying "thoughts". I basically have re-evaluated my definition of prayer after reading all of those studies about prayer & healing and seeing studies that basically "count" meditation as "prayer" (when I meditate and there is nothing at all religious about it). Me sending "thoughts" or "thoughts & prayers" could be the same on my end. However, it could be received differently on the other end... depending on who I'm talking to. If I am talking to someone who I know is religious, finds comfort/support in the notion of people keeping them in their prayers, or if it's someone who is coming out & asking for prayers (among other possibilities), I'll generally saying something like, "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers".
For everyone else, I go with my gut. I have come to the conclusion (& I may be very wrong) that most people who aren't into a particular organized religion... (including people who are atheists), are generally not offended by this phrasing: "I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers".
Just like you mentioned in that last sentence, it can mean well wishes/keeping someone in your thoughts. I struggled w/even uttering the words "prayers" when I first started using it because I am so sensitive to the fact that everyone has his/her own beliefs.
I detest any holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, or hypocritical words or behaviors. I have zero tolerance for it.
Jeanne
TO BE CONT’D (not enough character space)...
Jasmine,
My comment was too long to fit so I had to split it and then I somehow copied the beginning part twice (oops). So, here is the rest. (Sorry about that)
--
When I hear people ASSUMING that everyone else automatically shares their religious beliefs, it infuriates me. When I see/hear people talking like their "god"/"goddess" (i.e. God, Allah, Buddha, or whomever) as THE “end all & be all” or THE "right way" or THE "only way"... it upsets me.
I have most definitely seen some good-sized groups of people online who use so many religious references & who are so fixated on their own particular way of practicing their chosen organized religion that their phrasings seem to just presume that either everyone who they are interacting with online in the chronic illness community agrees w/their belief system or, perhaps, they are attempting to "win some converts".
All I know if that when people try to force their ideas re: religion on me, it really gets under my skin. The idea of just assuming that another person must just naturally agree w/a given organized religion mindset (I'm picturing a specific, very extreme mindset that makes me uncomfortable) rubs me the wrong way.
Several times, I have been tempted to say to one women in particular, "if you don’t mind me asking, why is it that you assume that I share your religious viewpoint?" This woman has been nothing but kind to me and I haven't said anything to her for fear of hurting her feelings because I know she's just REALLY into her religion & I know her personality is such that she'd probably be hurt if I said anything to her about how off-putting I have found so much of her writing..
However, what the heck? Why should I be the uncomfortable one? So, I have purposely kept some distance. (Trust me, if I were to comment on her Facebook wall, it would not be pretty).
I have relatives who are various denominations of Christianity, relatives who are Jewish (some Orthodox, some reform), relatives who attend non-denominational churches, ones who are agnostic, and ones who are atheist. I have an acupuncturist who is Buddhist and one of my specialists is Muslim.
What's my point with my rambling comment, right? My point is that I know people of many different religious persuasions and it pains me greatly to see people talk about any particular faith as "IT".
It boggles my mind how many people I encounter online who just assume that everyone shares their belief system regarding religion. Anyway, I could clearly go on and on with this topic but mainly I just want to thank you for your usual candor.
Your honest, up-front approach about everything you write about is refreshing. If there's anyone who just speaks her mind without holding back or self-censoring, it's you. I admire you for it because you are not afraid to tackle tricky subjects! Thank you for the thought-provoking post!
Jeanne
Jasmine,
Sorry. I ran out of space... When I hear people ASSUMING that everyone else automatically shares their religious beliefs, it infuriates me. When I see/hear people talking like their "god"/"goddess" (i.e. God, Allah, Buddha, or whomever) as THE “end all & be all” or THE "right way" or THE "only way"... it upsets me. I have most definitely seen some good-sized groups of people online who use so many religious references & who are so fixated on their own particular way of practicing their chosen organized religion that their phrasings seem to just presume that either everyone who they are interacting with online in the chronic illness community agrees w/them or, perhaps, they are attempting to "win some converts". All I know if that when people try to force their ideas re: religion on me, it really gets under my skin. The idea of just assuming that another person must just naturally agree w/a given organized religion mindset (I'm picturing a specific, very extreme mindset that makes me uncomfortable) rubs me the wrong way.
Several times, I have been tempted to say to one women in particular, "if you don’t mind me asking, why is it that you assume that I share your religious viewpoint?" This woman has been nothing but kind to me and I haven't said anything to her for fear of hurting her feelings because I know she's just REALLY into her religion & I know her personality is such that she'd probably be hurt if I said anything to her about how off-putting I found so much of her writing.. However, what the heck? Why should I be the uncomfortable one? So, I have purposely kept some distance. (Trust me, if I were to comment on her Facebook wall, it would not be pretty).
I have relatives who are various denominations of Christianity, relatives who are Jewish (some Orthodox, some reform), relatives who attend non-denominational churches, ones who are agnostic, and ones who are atheist. I have an acupuncturist who is Buddhist and one of my specialists is Muslim.
What's my point with my rambling comment, right? My point is that I know people of many different religious persuasions and it pains me greatly to see people talk about any particular faith as "IT". It boggles my mind how many people I encounter online who just assume that everyone shares their belief system regarding religion. Anyway, I could clearly go on and on with this topic but mainly I just want to thank you for your usual candor.
Your honest, up-front approach about everything you write about is refreshing. If there's anyone who just speaks her mind without holding back or self-censoring, it's you. I admire you for it because you are not afraid to tackle tricky subjects! Thank you for the thought-provoking post!
Jeanne
Jasmine,
Sorry. I ran out of space... When I hear people ASSUMING that everyone else automatically shares their religious beliefs, it infuriates me. When I see/hear people talking like their "god"/"goddess" (i.e. God, Allah, Buddha, or whomever) as THE “end all & be all” or THE "right way" or THE "only way"... it upsets me. I have most definitely seen some good-sized groups of people online who use so many religious references & who are so fixated on their own particular way of practicing their chosen organized religion that their phrasings seem to just presume that either everyone who they are interacting with online in the chronic illness community agrees w/them or, perhaps, they are attempting to "win some converts". All I know if that when people try to force their ideas re: religion on me, it really gets under my skin. The idea of just assuming that another person must just naturally agree w/a given organized religion mindset (I'm picturing a specific, very extreme mindset that makes me uncomfortable) rubs me the wrong way.
Several times, I have been tempted to say to one women in particular, "if you don’t mind me asking, why is it that you assume that I share your religious viewpoint?" This woman has been nothing but kind to me and I haven't said anything to her for fear of hurting her feelings because I know she's just REALLY into her religion & I know her personality is such that she'd probably be hurt if I said anything to her about how off-putting I found so much of her writing.. However, what the heck? Why should I be the uncomfortable one? So, I have purposely kept some distance. (Trust me, if I were to comment on her Facebook wall, it would not be pretty).
(To be cont’d).
Jeanne
Jasmine,
Last but not least... Here is what didn't fit previously...
I have relatives who are various denominations of Christianity, relatives who are Jewish (some Orthodox, some reform), relatives who attend non-denominational churches, ones who are agnostic, and ones who are atheist. I have an acupuncturist who is Buddhist and one of my specialists is Muslim.
What's my point with my rambling comment, right? My point is that I know people of many different religious persuasions and it pains me greatly to see people talk about any particular faith as "IT". It boggles my mind how many people I encounter online who just assume that everyone shares their belief system regarding religion. Anyway, I could clearly go on and on with this topic but mainly I just want to thank you for your usual candor.
Your honest, up-front approach about everything you write about is refreshing. If there's anyone who just speaks her mind without holding back or self-censoring, it's you. I admire you for it because you are not afraid to tackle tricky subjects! Thank you for the thought-provoking post!
Jeanne
Thank you Jeanne, your comments are right on the money. Hopefully your fb pal will back off a bit.
And thank you for the kudos. This is definitely a tricky subject, so I spoke my truth and now I can move forward :)
Wow Jasmine - popped over to see your blog after your comment on Jeanne's blog and saw this... I love how open and honest you have been, as it can be so hard to do this, I know... I actually believe in what I guess some people name as God (I don't know quite what to call it - it's more like the energy that gives us all life and I do believe in other things) but I am so far removed from religion that I often have to watch what I say, because I have a few friends who are very "holier than thou". I think I'm more of a new age hippie than anything else and although that is a different belief to yours, I know how hard it can be to "get it out there"... so I just wanted to say I appreciate your honesty in this post xx
Very happy you stopped by Amanda, and thank you for the kudos. Becoming more honest about my past, and the person I choose to be now, is liberating.
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