I've been deciphering the causes of my chronic illnesses for quite some time. So when it comes to getting loved ones to understand what we're going through, my advice tends to be don't even bother. If they care enough to educate themselves on the subject, or at least ask questions, fantastic. If not, don't sweat it. And please, please do not take it personal! Besides, you can find a ridiculous amount of support online. (And you don't have to write a blog to do so.)
My husband loves me like crazy, but he has little to no interest in studying the ins and outs of Migraines. This doesn't mean he loves me any less. Believe it or not, I find his ignorance on the matter refreshing (not always, but for the most part). He helps me feel like a 'normal' by just being himself, and expecting me to just be me - not my illness. Having him cater to my every need would do little to help me, in the long run.
In my husband's defense, once he realized he couldn't 'fix' my health, he felt defeated. This caused obvious tension between us. My physical therapist brought this to our attention, and gave me an assignment. I was to create a list of all of the things my husband does for me that minimizes my pain. It really opened my eyes to how men show love through actions, and it helped my husband see how much of a positive impact he really does have on me and my health.
I didn't have to get my husband to understand my pain because we both know that unless he personally experiences it, he won't ever understand it. What did help was discussing my triggers after repeated exposures to things like the chemicals in the environment, in our foods, and on the people around me. With time, he became aware of how quickly my health and mood can deteriorate. These observations gave him the knowledge to help me avoid those triggers, whenever possible. I love him like crazy for that.
6 comments:
When you think of it though, whether men or women, don't many of us seem insensitive to others, no matter how much we love them, when their problems don't affect us. Although I always tried to help my husband with his weight problem that led to his diabetes, I, who never really had a weight problem, no matter how much I read, could not really understand how much weight could affect things because I didn't deal with it. The same for the pain that goes with arthritis, migraines, fibromyalgia etc., as much as others really care, they can't feel the pain. They see it but can't feel it in the same way. I loved your blog but I think it is the same for women, some things you can sympathize with, you can even donate to help and nurse but you don't have the passion when you are not suffering through it.
I know I'm guilty of being insensitive at times. It's hard not to since we're stuck in our own minds and bodies.
Like you mentioned Gidge, the same can hold true for women. I wrote from a wife's (my own) perspective because more women than men suffer from migraine, fibromyalgia, breast cancer, lupus, etc.
I can see, from experience, that women tend to have higher expectations from their spouses, and tend to want to change things we don't like. Add chronic pain to the mix and it can introduce a myriad of if-he-loved-me-he'd feelings, which is a recipe for disaster. It's something my husband and I had to work through - more so myself.
Thanks so much for sharing your personal experience.
Jasmine,
This is a great post! I know my husband does LOTS of things to minimize my pain or help me cope with symptoms.
Just today, he drove me to physical therapy because my neck was so bad that I couldn't turn it to use the side-view mirror.
Thanks for reminding me to truly appreciate the non-verbal support he gives.
Jeanne
My pleasure, Jeanne. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Men are amazing creatures. Since women are biologically built to verbalize we don't always see just how much men do for us to show their love.
Very right you are. It is but natural that only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches. And if we understand this, there will be no complaint from any partner and the things will be at their right places and this will ease out unnecessary depression.
Welcome Jagdish, and thank you for your comment. It's great to hear a man's perspective :)
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