If you're like me

If you're like me you had a step-parent who was a recovering alcoholic, who found God and let church become his new addiction.

If you're like me you're in your early 30s and still have no idea what you want to be when you grow up.

If you're like me you're happily married and yet there's something gnawing away at you that you just can't put your finger on. You're probably still having difficulty with the notion that you can't change a person's outlook on what is and isn't a priority or even their financial decision-making process. Yeah that could be it.

If you're like me you have a strange relationship with your mom because you can see right through the things she says and does.

If you're like me you're trying to convince yourself that your father did the right thing when he walked away from you, a two year old.

If you're like me you love sex, get so much pleasure out of it, that when it doesn't happen often enough you want to punch babies.

If you're like me your skin crawls and your neck tightens when you hear the buzzing of a mosquito, fly or bee.

If you're like me you've always wanted to be desired the same way you desire others.

If you're like me you have "friends" that never really seemed to give enough of a shit to truly help you in your time of need. They're too busy rambling about their lame job or issues with men, asking 'I fucked him on the first date, but why won't he call me?!?!'

If you're like me you're dying to get beyond all of the above but you have no fucking clue where to start.

If you're like me you find peace in music, human touch, singing, someone else cooking a great meal, champagne, dancing, the smell of suntan-lotioned arms, traveling, watching an artist perfect their craft, sex, crisp hotel sheets, thinking, seeing couples in love, blogging, clothes shopping alone, listening to birds and the ocean, sun-kissed cheeks, old photographs, sounds of an acoustic guitar, sand between your toes, laughter...

I'm Coming

Breaths yet to be taken
Giggles lying in wait

I hear you faceless one
I smell your joy

I will disappoint you
But I will love you more

Timeless quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt

"A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

"Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"If someone betrays you once, it's their fault; if they betray you twice, it's your fault."

"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

FUCK!

While I was on the table being prepped for today's procedure, I told my doctor I was learning to play guitar. He asked if that's when the pain in my hands started. I said yes and then asked, 'but it will go away the more I play right?' 'No, it'll get worse.' FUCK ME!!!

Hahaha Jasmine, you found something you're passionate about - something to get your mind off your pain and get those creative juices flowing, the ones you stifled for so long. But guess what, your attempt at some kind of peace has led you to find more pain. Congratulations! You lose at life.

Forgive my rant but I had to fight back tears after I was waiting to be released (had to make sure my blood pressure was stable before the hubby could drive me home). Just like I hold onto my name because it's a connection to the father I never got to know, my interest in guitar was another way to feel closer to him. But I play the guitar for myself and no one else, and I will continue to play.

Mom knows

Broke the seriously-thinking-about-having-a-baby news to my mom. She seems happy and even started ending her emails with 'Love, Abuela to be.' With breast cancer hopefully behind her she's taking steps toward her dream of traveling, and possibly living abroad. Knowing that makes moving to Arizona less sad.

My little brother has dreams of his own. Ever since he saw Panom Yeerum (known as Tony Jaa in the West) in the movie "Ong-Bak The Thai Warrior" he's dreamed of going to Thailand and studying martial arts. I've seen his body change so much within the last year of him training here but he feels he'll learn the real thing in Thailand.

* * *

Tomorrow I'm starting another series of medial branch blocks for my neck. This visit my doctor will inject the left side of my neck (around C6) and if I see some improvement then he'll do the right side. After that if I see improvement he wants to do some Radio Frequency procedure. This site explains both procedures: http://www.permanente.net/homepage/kaiser/pdf/6755.pdf

Baby bug

It's been happening on and off for the past few years, but now it's getting intense. I want a baby. My husband wants a baby. I used to say I won't have a child until I figure out how to lessen my head pain, so that became my life. Now here I am 32 and thinking this has to happen soon if it's ever going to happen.

Our only obstacle is finances. We've spent a good portion of our equity line and I want to pay it down, so here are two possible options we've been discussing: stay right where we are and refinance when the need comes up or sell and move to a reasonably priced home (and safer area to raise a child) in Arizona. My husband could easily transfer to a position there. The only stressful part I can think of is where we would stay while fixing up our home to sell.

Bathing suit season

Well, I was hoping to bypass this summer's need for a bathing suit because the plan is I'll be bathing suit ready by next year. But life is short and a buddy of ours is insisting we go to the local water park soon.

I got a cute two-piece from Target - top and bottom were $17.99 each. It's not what you think though. The top is nice and long, and the bottoms have a mini-skirt attached for a little extra coverage. I'll see what the hubby thinks later.

What I would give to have these two ladies in my life. Every makeover I've seen them perform has brought tears to my eyes.

I'm < her. Therefore, she's > me.

I've realized it's impossible to not judge others until you can stop judging yourself. For me, I can't see a beautiful woman without wondering what life would be like to be her. To never have to be concerned about how you look because basically everything looks good on you. You can even get away with 'layering' because you're thin.

And yes there are those of you out there who are thin and will insist it's difficult to shop for yourself. I have two gorgeous friends - sisters in fact - who are tall and always complain about how hard it is to find jeans (boo-fucken-hoo!). Don't mind me I'm pms'ing. Moving on...

I believe a beautiful, secure woman can look at another beautiful woman and think, "wow, she's beautiful," and leave it at that. For women like me - who aren't fugly but even with makeup on wish someone was around to airbrush us into life - when we see a beautiful woman walking toward us (even worse, walking towards us while our boyfriend or hubby is with us), a myriad of emotions and thoughts take over.

If I didn't judge myself as "less than" than I wouldn't judge some stranger on the street, who was blessed with great genes, as "greater than."

Pinched [on my last] nerve

Well the treadmill has been put to use once again. It's amazing how much my mood is effected by the seasons. If this were winter time I'd be bummed out, stuffing my face on junk food and bundled up in sweats. But the sun is out and the birds are singing and I want to move my body. So what's the problem?

My neck has been giving me issues lately. Over a year ago I found out I have a pinched nerve between C5 and C6 of my neck. I had a series of medial branch blocks and that helped get rid of the pain I had in my neck and also shooting down my left arm. Lately I'm having pain in the middle and ring finger of my right hand, as well as neck pain. At first I thought the pain was due to stress or from playing the guitar, but now I'm concerned it's more than that.

If I turn my neck or reach a certain way I can actually feel the nerve get pinched. It's an acute pain that goes away as soon as I change position. I'm concerned because I don't know if my neck is getting worse. Something I found online mentioned pain in middle finger associated with C7, so is my problem spreading? Another reason for concern is I want to hire a personal trainer and get serious about a workout routine.

I emailed my Neurologist because I need him to refer me back to my pain specialist, but he's suggesting I see an orthopedic spine specialist instead. I'm hoping he knows someone so I can get started on this right away.