If the camera adds ten pounds...

If the camera adds ten pounds, but in pictures I look 30 pounds heavier, do I actually appear 20 pounds heavier than I think I do (to the rest of the world)? Sometimes I think I have the opposite to body dysmorphic disorder, where I think I'm in better shape than I really am? Don't get me wrong, I'm insecure about how I look, but I think I'm obvlivious to how big I really am.

I had a follow-up with my Neuro last week and he asked, 'So, what are you doing for exercise these days?' I tell him I'm walking more due to school because I park a nice distance from my classes and go up a few flights of stairs. He had a chuckle. I know he means more rigorous so I go on to say that if I didn't get terrible exertion migraines during activities I love like tennis, jogging and hiking I'd be doing a lot more of them.

Besides that unwelcomed weight comment, yesterday when we went to El Torito's for my brother's birthday I brought the dreaded camera. I love the digital camera actually because as soon as I see myself looking like shit, I can erase it. (This reminds me of our 4yr anniversary trip to Aruba, before we had the digital. We had the time of our lives, and I thought I looked gorgeous in my new digs. When we developed the film about two weeks after our trip I had such a knot in my stomach. I couldn't believe how fat I looked and I thought omg what people must have thought of me. Here I was walking around in jeans and heels and low-cut blouses like I was the shit. It was such a smack in the face that I probably gained 15 pounds within a couple months. I just felt defeated I guess, and thought what's the use: even when I think I look good, I really look bad).

I asked the waiter to take our picture and when I reviewed it I looked huge. (Something I realized when sitting in a booth at a restaurant: even though it's an inconvenience if you need to use the restroom, I'll need to remember to sit on the inside, especially if someone brought a gd camera. By doing so I can hide the lower portion of my body, mabye even my boobs if I can tuck them behind the person seated on the outside).

I look 20 pounds heavier than how I feel in real life, which got me to thinking: am I a lot fatter looking than I feel? I guess if I were playing tennis I could definitely feel the weight holding me back, but because I'm usually sitting on my ass playing the guitar, playing EQ2, watching TV, or driving somewhere I can't feel it.

Stepping on the scale right now I weigh 185.5-lbs. My goal weight is 150-lbs. Now I need to work on achieving it.

Meltdown

I'm really freaked out, shocked, disappointed and pissed at my behavior this afternoon. It's weird because midterms are done with and I have a week to relax and study and work on my electronic music assignment, as well as do shit around the house. The hubby and I had a great Friday, but something just came over me today and I snapped.

We were playing EQ2 and I was a little annoyed that I couldn't find a group to finish a particular quest (ugh, I sound like such a dork). Anyway, the hubby feels bad for me and being a man he tried to fix it. I wasn't bitching so he'd do anything - I was just bitching cuz I felt like it. Well he groups with me and helps me kill some of the easier stuff I need. But then he insists we try and kill the named I need. I tell him I don't want to do it without a tank at least (he has a warlock and I have a brigand). But no one's answering my tells, so he keeps pushing the idea.

The more I resist the more he insists we can do it, and if we fail at least we tried. I'm obviously not in the mood and at this point not even sure why I logged in. I just noticed him on and didn't feel like doing much else so I thought I'd mess with my toon.

Some days I log in and find a group, finish a quest or two and maybe even level - all without my hubby's help. And when I tell him later he's so happy about it. But when he's sitting next to me I feel judged.

It doesn't help that there are other females in the guild that really know how to play the game - they remember how to get to places, they read up on quests, they put together groups to exp, they just seem to have fun no matter what. Where I on the other hand am always lost, to this day I don't fully understand my toon and I never remember what resists I need for what mobs. On one hand I feel inadequate, but on the other hand I'm thinking fuck this, it's just a game - who the hell is going to give me a prize in real life for knowing this bullshit? When I think about the hours and hours spent doing something for a particular reward but when you shut down the game you still haven't washed the dishes, done your homework or laundry, or feed the dogs. You might have achieved adventure level 70 but you still need to change the oil in your car. In other words there's a fucken world out there that you're ignoring to gain cyber loot. It's like I enjoy these people that I've met but at the same time I feel like such a loser.

So we try the named and his initial mez is resisted, just as I predicted it would. He's irritated that I'm saying 'I told you so.' I'm irritated that he's telling me to evac after he's already died. We're screaming at each other at this point because he's like what's the big deal - if you die, then who cares? I get into the fact that I don't like to die, even if it is just a game and I don't like trying shit I know is close to impossible.

Basically I tend to play it safe and he is more of a risk taker. What's funny is it seems like it's the opposite in real life, which to me is far more important than any game. But I think I was so irritated with him because he had a point. Which was: here I am saying I don't care about the game but I freak out when I die. Why can't I just try with a positive attitude and if we fail then at least we tried? We can laugh about it and move on. Well a big part of the reason is I didn't grow up that way. I never wanted to do wrong in anyone's eyes. ANYONE. Even if it was some asshat on the street who wanted to flash me. God forbid I make anyone mad at me.

Haha my wacky grandmother had an imaginary granddaughter. I'm fucken serious. She called her Gordita. And whenever I did something my grandmother didn't like she'd say, "Oh, Gordita would never say or do that to me. Gordita loves me." Shit like that. Then there's my biodad who disappeared after he and my mom divorced. I was so paranoid that my mom would leave me too that I did everything to keep her happy - even if it meant never asking about my dad. I know I get my mood swings from my mother. Even though my stepdad's behavior was unpredictable due to alcohol, she had a gift for flying off the handle from time to time.

Today I screamed so much I could feel the pressure building throughout my head. It was a rush of heat. But a part of me felt such a release to scream and cry at my husband. I had to drive the fact that I'll never be as good as him at this game; that all the time in the world doesn't teach someone to think on their feet the way he does. That when he's sitting next to me, suggesting I do something this way or asking why I did something that way, I start to second-guess myself. Not really a confidence booster.

After the shouting match fizzles, my husband goes back to the game and I curl up on the couch to calm down and reflect on what the fuck just happened. When I come back in the room to apologize and admit to him that he had a point, I find him creating a new toon. He's apologizing too and telling me how he's creating this tank because he's tired of the one in our guild never helping out. I rest my head on his shoulder and let the remaining tears drain onto his shirt.

Solo #2

Well I was shaking, forgot some of the words to the song and got dry-mouth about half-way through, but I did it and I did pretty darn well. Teacher was happy and said I'm following using my voice (shazam!). Next time I'm bringing my bottled water up there with me.

Happy to say midterms are done with and I can now enjoy spring break. Unfortunately, I still have homework (thanks Mr B) and of course guitar practice. I'm struggling with arithmetic intervals in musicianship class so I should be glad we have this assignment.

Since the hubby and I got a nice tax return we went to BB&B and got two new pillows, some sheets and a duvet cover (we tried finding one with a zipper because Rusty loves chewing the buttons off). I finally bought some artwork to hang on the livingroom wall. One framed painting has a lot of red in it so we purchased some matching pillows for the couch. I'm looking forward to getting a small dinette and a nice area rug as soon as we find something we like.