Broke out the high heels

/groovin to Anthony Hamilton

So I met with my girls for Happy Hour, where the old me would have quickly come up with some excuse to stay home. I not only said hell yes I broke out the high heels - a sexy silver pair with turquoise and purple studded accents the hubby picked out some years back. The last time I rocked them we were in Aruba, so their escape was long over due - as was mine.

Role-playing

Chapter Four of "A New Earth" goes deeper into the ego and the roles we take on in order to get what we want. As Tolle states, "Usually people are completely unaware of the roles they play. They are those roles. Some roles are subtle; others are blatantly obvious, except to the person playing it. Some roles are designed simply to get attention from others."

Here's a bit of what Eckhart and Oprah discussed during week four's webcast:

Tolle: If you are not present you don't realize there is a source of power within, and then you believe that you need to get secondary power from someone or some situation or other people, then the ego plays roles to manipulate the environment and other people to get what it thinks it needs - not realizing that all the things that it thinks will give it the power that it seems to lack all that is already within you...if you could only be present in the now.

Oprah: Well let's clarify what we mean by role-playing. I think it's confusing to some people who say, "well, listen, I am a doctor, I am a teacher, I am a lawyer, I am a store clerk, I am a 'that'" Those are labels, and what is the difference between the job functions that we have and roles that we play?

Tolle: I met a woman middle-aged and she talked to me in a certain way, and I asked, "Are you a school teacher?" And she said, "Now how did you know that I'm a school teacher?" [He motions a back-and-forth pointing finger to mimic what this woman did as she spoke to him.] She talks to people as if she were talking to children at school. So even when she said, "how did you know?" she was pointing her finger. Of course, that's how I knew it, because she had become completely identified with her function. So the role took her over - she couldn't leave her function behind after work. Even inside her family she behaved like a teacher.

Oprah: So that's the essence of this chapter. Of course, there are all roles that we are assigned and labels that we use to identify ourself. What you're saying is the problem is when you become completely identified with it, and you think that is who you are.

Tolle: Yes, and you behave and act as if that were who you are. So you get trapped inside that conditioned personality. And whatever you do it's the personality that's acting out.

Oprah: You mention in the book where you play the role of patient, and if you go to a doctor who's playing the role of doctor he often doesn't see you the person cuz he's playing the role.

Tolle: Yes, he becomes so identified with his function that the function has taken him over and it has become a role. And many patients can actually feel that when they go to a doctor, whether there's a human being still there or whether the doctor has become the role. And so when the doctor has become the role when you go to that doctor you don't feel acknowledged anymore in your beingness. He might be very competent as a doctor, but something vital is lacking in the interaction. He might be the greatest expert in his field - it still doesn't help - something very vital is missing.

Oprah: And that happened to me recently; where you feel completely dismissed and disconnected because you're thinking, 'he's just trying to get me out of here so he can get the next person in.'

Tolle: If he does that to you, you can imagine what he does to a normal person (he laughs).

SpineForce

First off I have to say Bravo! to blogger.com for automatically saving drafts. I thought I lost yesterday's post when Firefox blew up in my face.

Today I wanted to share something interesting. I had an appointment with my chiropractor to try out SpineForce. As the website states it's a "Revolutionary Technology for Strengthening and Conditioning the Deep Spinal Muscles." The good news is my insurance covers it, so I made an appointment for next week. Unfortunately my chiro wasn't in today, so his assistant gave me a little bit of an intro on how it works. I'll find out more next week.

Have a great day everyone!

Three words every woman wants to hear...

Chocolate Espresso Cheesecake!

My friends and I planned a mini-potluck so I baked this amazing cheesecake. I know very little about wines and cheeses, so I left that up to them. (I am interested in trying organic wine, so I'll have to buy a bottle or two for our next get-together. I'm wondering if less sulfites will mean less of a chance for a migraine. I drank very little, trying a few sips of white wine, a zinfandel and then red - making sure to drink a lot of water in between.)

I've really been enjoying Oprah and Eckhart Tolle's online class. Tonight's class will be discussing Chapter Three: The Core of Ego. But I wanted to share what one caller Victoria, from last week's webcast, spoke about (this is not a transcript but what I heard).

Victoria: I was diagnosed over 10 years ago with Systemic Lupus and RA, and I'd been a really active person. But two years ago I gave up my business, my health deteriorated, and I got an A-Ha moment in this book on page 51. I didn't realize that I had unconsciously clinged to my illness, and I'm taking this out of the book cuz I put it to myself, because it actually had become the most important part of who I perceived myself to be. How can I undo this identity? And how can I stay focused when I'm in excruciating pain from the illness to have the peace constantly, and not just fleeting moments?

Oprah: That's real.
Tolle: Yes
Oprah: That's a- That's real.

Tolle: Now the most important thing has already happened, which is you have become aware that up to now you had been identified with the idea that "I am sufferer of such and such an illness." So the illness had become thought forms in your head, and you had identified with these thought forms, and took them to be who you are. And now the most important thing - your question is still valid - but realize that the most important thing has already happened, which is the awareness has arisen so there's space now between yourself and your thought processes and the image of yourself as a sick person.

Now another thing of course in addition you can do is for example no longer talk about your illness to other people except when you visit a doctor. Then otherwise, the more you talk about it to your friends, acquaintances, family members, the more you keep that process going.

Oprah: ...empower it. She empowers the disease.

Tolle: Yes, that's right. So, if you just take a decision now that from now on I'm not going to talk about it, and if people ask me about my illness, which they're going to do because they're perhaps used to you talking about it...you say, "well I'm doing all I can to find healing in this, and I'm making good progress." Go as far as that, and don't encourage people to ask you questions, and no more mentioning my illness. So you begin on the external level not to talk about it anymore except of course when you need to talk to doctors. And that will have also certain influences on your thought processes. And then you can gradually also refrain from thinking of yourself as a sick person, and perhaps give less thought to your illness, and focus your attention more on well being.

Now you may ask, "well, but if I don't feel good, how can I give attention to well being?" You can still do that. One way is to see well being around you in nature because nature is just an embodiment of well being - a flower, a tree... And also there's well being even if certain parts of your body feel unwell or painful. And again we're coming back to the sensing the inner body, there are always parts of your body where you can still find well being; in your hands, your arms, wherever. Take some attention into the body and see where can I most strongly feel - get a sense of well being in the body, and then take your attention there. So you choose to direct attention to well being rather than dwelling on the idea of illness.

Oprah: That does not mean the pain's gonna go away cuz she said she has physical pain.

Tolle: The pain may still be there - that's fine. But as far as the pain is concerned...pain unfortunately requires surrender. You need to see that the pain is there so that you do not generate an additional level of psychological pain, which complains about being in physical pain. Because if the mind starts to complain about being in physical pain - you have two levels of pain: you have psychological pain and physical pain.

Oprah: Got it.

Tolle: Leave physical pain...with physical pain you know right now this is how it is. It's there.

Oprah: Don't resist it?

Tolle: Don't resist it. Do what you can as far as treatment goes, of course. But don't resist it. Don't create psychological pain on top of the physical pain.

Oprah: Are you following that, Victoria?

Victoria: Got it, yeah, excellent.

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

I love Tolle's description of consumerism in Chapter Two...

The people in the advertising industry know very well that in order to sell things that people don't really need, they must convince them that those things will add something to how they see themselves or are seen by others; in other words, add something to their sense of self. They do this, for example, by telling you that you will stand out from the crowd by using this product and so by implication be more fully yourself. Or they may create an association in your mind between the product and a famous person, or a youthful, attractive, or happy-looking person. Even pictures of old or deceased celebrities in their prime work well for that purpose. The unspoken assumption is that by buying this product, through some magical act of appropriation, you become like them, or rather the surface image of them. And so in many cases you are not buying a product but an "identity enhancer." Designer labels are primarily collective identities that you buy into. They are expensive and therefore "exclusive." If everybody could buy them, they would lose their psychological value and all you would be left with would be their material value, which likely amounts to a fraction of what you paid.

And why can't a pair of expensive shoes bring happiness?

Paradoxically, what keeps the so-called consumer society going is the fact that trying to find yourself through things doesn't work: The ego satisfaction is short-lived and so you keep looking for more, keep buying, keep consuming.

...we cannot really honor things if we use them as a means to self-enhancement, that is to say, if we try to find ourselves through them. This is exactly what the ego does. Ego-identification with things creates attachment to things, obsession with things, which in turn creates our consumer society and economic structures where the only measure of progress is always more. The unchecked striving for more, for endless growth, is a dysfunction and a disease.

So what does Tolle suggest we do?

As a spiritual practice, I suggest that you investigate your relationship with the world of things through self-observation, and in particular, things that are designated with the word "my." You need to be alert and honest to find out, for example, whether your sense of self-worth is bound up with things you possess. Do certain things induce a subtle feeling of importance or superiority? Does the lack of them make you feel inferior to others who have more than you? Do you casually mention things you own or show them off to increase your sense of worth in someone else's eyes and through them in your own? Do you feel resentful or angry and somehow diminished in your sense of self when someone else has more than you or when you lose a prized possession?

In my life, lack of possessions has definitely caused a sense of inferiority. And hearing others speak of their possessions would easily cause me to feel less than. But now I'm becoming aware of my emotional responses - that little (negative) voice in my mind, which is actually the ego. Tolle says...

The ego tends to equate having with Being: I have, therefore I am. And the more I have, the more I am. The ego lives through comparison. How you are seen by others turns into how you see yourself. If everyone lived in a mansion or everyone was wealthy, your mansion or your wealth would no longer serve to enhance your sense of self. You could then move to a simple cabin, give up your wealth, and regain an identity by seeing yourself and being seen as more spiritual than others. How you are seen by others becomes the mirror that tells you what you are like and who you are. The ego's sense of self-worth is in most cases bound up with the worth you have in the eyes of others. You need others to give you a sense of self, and if you live in a culture that to a large extent equates self-worth with how much and what you have, if you cannot look though this collective delusion, you will be condemned to chasing after things for the rest of your life in the vain hope of finding your worth and completion of your sense of self there.

Could wanting more, being dissatisfied with what you have or what you lack, actually make you sick?

In some cases, the psychological need for more or the feeling of not enough that is so characteristic of the ego becomes transferred to the physical level and so turns into insatiable hunger. The sufferers of bulimia will often make themselves vomit so they can continue eating. Their mind is hungry, not their body. This eating disorder would become healed if the sufferers, instead of being identified with their mind, could get in touch with their body and so feel the true needs of the body rather than the pseudo-needs of the egoic mind.

Besides material things and the desire for them, many people - myself included - feel less than because their body isn't as healthy or as beautiful as someone else.

For many people, their sense of self-worth is intimately bound up with their physical strength, good looks, fitness, and external appearance. Many feel a diminished sense of self-worth because they perceive their body as ugly or imperfect.

In some cases, the mental image or concept of "my body" is a complete distortion of reality. A young woman may think of herself as overweight and therefore starve herself when in fact she is quite thin. She cannot see her body anymore. All she "sees" is the mental concept of her body, which says "I am fat" or "I will become fat." At the root of this condition lies identification with the mind. As people have become more and more mind-identified, which is the intensification of the egoic dysfunction, there has also been a dramatic increase in the incidence of anorexia in recent decades. If the sufferer could look at her body without the interfering judgments of her mind or even recognize those judgments for what they are instead of believing them - or better still, if she could feel her body from within - this would initiate her healing.

Those who are identified with their good looks, physical strength, or abilities experience suffering when those attributes begin to fade and disappeaer, as of course they will. Their very identity that was based on them is then threatened with collapse. In either ase, ugly or beautiful, people derive a significant part of their identity, be it negative or positive, from their body.

Now here's where it hit home for me...

It is not just people with good or near-perfect bodies who are likely to equate it with who they are. You can just as easily identify with a "problematic" body and make the body's imperfection, illness, or disability into your identity. You may then think and speak of yourself as a "sufferer" of this or that chronic illness or disability. You receive a great deal of attention from doctors and others who constantly confirm to you your conceptual identity as a sufferer or a patient. You then unconsciously cling to the illness because it has become the most important part of who you perceive yourself to be. It has become another thought form with which the ego can identify. Once the ego has found an identity, it does not want to let go. Amazingly but not infrequently, the ego in search of a stronger identity can and does create illness in order to strengthen itself through them.

All I can say is holy shit and hallelujah!

Is instinct guiding me...or fear?

The question says it all...

Do you know the answer in your own life?

Migraine Study update

Today a representative from the MIST II study got back to me, and ran me through more questions. Unfortunately, I didn't pass the criteria because I have chronic daily headaches, and because I don't have aura.

I'm still curious to find out about PFOs so I'll keep plugging along (pun intended).

Migraine Study

A day or so ago I registered for the MIST II Clinical Trial, answered a few questions to see if I qualify, and actually got a telephone call today. The gal calling from PA ran me through some more questions and made sure I was close enough to La Jolla (damn, the luck!) to begin the process. The next step is hearing from the doctor's office.

I was born with a heart murmur, but for some time now doctors haven't been able to detect it. A PFO is different than a murmur, but when I heard about it a year or so ago I wondered, "what if I have a hole in my heart?" It would probably explain why performing any type of activity that gets my heart pumping harder brings on awful, pounding exertion headaches. So wouldn't it be amazing to get that baby sealed off - if I have one. Of course, I could be in the placebo group which would royally suck - going through all the procedures and headache diaries for nothing! But let's see what happens, and if I even qualify.

Remembering the good in people

The hubby was driving us home from the bank today, and while we listened to Nat King Cole's "O Holy Night" I flashed to my stepfather and I singing in the church choir. I've talked negatively about my stepdad for as long as I can remember but while the song played I could hear his deep, rich voice and it brought a smile to my face (lots of tears too). Then I remembered all the times he had helped me with my essays - not write them for me like my mom used to do, but actually critique and send me back to my room until it was done correctly.

As much as my stepfather struggled with alcoholism and self-hatred I know he genuinely loved me and my mother. And I know I didn't make it easy for him at times.

Happy Holidays!

Newb tested - Server approved!

Back when I didn't have a hobby, except visiting new doctors and attempting new pain treatments, the only things in life that I excelled at was work. Whether it be folding clothes at a department store, cleaning out mouse cages or harvesting cell lines for scientists, I made it a top priority to be the best at what I did (and received plenty of praise for it).

Jump to present time and you can find me playing Everquest II with the hubby - something I thought would never happen. And it turns out I'm pretty damn good at it. So much so that I was voted the best templar on Crushbone. True story!

Inspiration?

I was calling it an early night when the hubby closed the bedroom door to talk. He told me he feared I was too consumed with my headaches and was in need of some inspiration.

He wanted to see a movie that would start at 11pm, and I declined, stating that if I wanted to assure a fun Saturday night I should diminish any possible triggers the night before (messing with sleep schedule, someone possibly wearing strong perfume/cologne in the movie theatre, flashing lights from the big screen, etc.). We would be visiting some friends the next day - driving two hours to Riverside to celebrate our friend's new job. If I had to take medicine Friday night, I would be setting myself up for rebound issues on Saturday.

All this internal thinking that seems commonplace to me caused the hubby to just stand there and blink. That's when he shut the door and lovingly gave me an assignment. He asked me to search the Internet for inspirational migraineurs - people suffering with migraines who don't let it consume them. He threw out the only person he knows, football great Terrell Davis, who had a migraine attack during Super Bowl XXXII.

As I'm sitting here with my assignment I'm feeling more down than before. I'm realizing I have to find a way to separate the Jasmine who is suffering during an attack from the Jasmine who is worried about the next attack (how to prevent it, how to prepare for it, how to treat it). I'm really not sure when the two became one. I still stand behind the notion that if I only experienced a few migraines attacks a month, I could easily dissect the two (I would have my life, and it would be occasionally interrupted by pain). BUT ever since the migraines transformed to a daily headache I've allowed the two to fuse together.

So, now what?

Keep on movin, don't stop

I woke up with an icepick in my right eye, and the sensation of hands trying to claw their way out of the back of my head. How was your morning? I'm sure you woke up, took a nice stretch, and hopped out of bed, mentally preparing your day. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

It's been over two months and sadly I've seen no improvements with Cymbalta. It's put me in a bitchy mood too, if you couldn't tell. My doctor said studies don't show increased results passed 60mg so I've been tapering off the medication. The good news is I can go back to trying to safely /makebabies.

Migraine Support

As much as I loved the migraine support I had received online at About.com I stopped using the site some time ago. I had become too immersed in the topic of pain and I needed a break from anything and everything migraine. Of course I always took comfort knowing the site was there, and I often thought of those wonderful women (and a few brave men) who were filled with so much support and compassion - one of the few pros to being a pain sufferer.

Because I've decided to give Cymbalta a try for chronic pain (and yes the depression associated with it), I found a new place to meet those who are in the same boat.

http://www.healthcentral.com/migraine/

I was pleased to find it was run by the former host at about.com Teri Robert - an amazing advocate who even authored her own book on the subject: "Living Well With Migraine Disease and Headaches."

Instead of blogging my Cymbalta experience here, I'm going to journal on Teri's site. This way I'm sure to get more comments from people who know what I'm going through. And maybe I'll be able to lend support to others.